I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
