you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
