I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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