420 ftw
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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