God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
