i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Randomize
