Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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