Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
