he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
