Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
