tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I currently don't understand fingers.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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