If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
