what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There's always time for handjobs
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
