I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
