Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
