i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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