the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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