Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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