btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
