I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
