First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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