allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
