Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize