When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
