I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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