it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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