So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
