i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
