shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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