So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
