I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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