is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
