i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
