The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
