I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
