don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
