There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
