i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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