So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize