i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
