it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
