i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
