Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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