Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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