Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize