There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
