shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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