There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
