my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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