You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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