dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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