This is not my ceiling
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
