he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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