nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
