Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
