I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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