Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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